"We live in a rainbow of chaos." - Paul Cezanne

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Dog Days

"Animals make us human." - Temple Grandin

We got a dog. We got a dog. I have to keep saying it to myself over and over because I'm still not sure how this all happened.

My husband Conor and I both grew up with dogs, but while I am very much a cat person, Conor is definitely more of a dog person. To be fair, we have lived together for over ten years and in all this time he has been happy with just having cats. But over the past five years, we have worked our way back down to one very lonely and neurotic cat. And the idea of having another baby anytime soon puts me in a panic, so naturally the topic of getting a dog just kept coming up.

Then Conor read about a family in Scotland who got a dog for their autistic son and saw dramatic changes in his behavior and ability to communicate. (Dog Helps Boy Come Out of Autism - A Friend Like Henry) After our terrifying experiences last month, he suggested that having a dog around might be beneficial for Maddie's autism as well--another set of eyes and senses that could tune into a side of Maddie we've been having trouble reaching. Being familiar with our local organization Therapy Dogs United and knowing how beneficial a dog could be in our situation, I agreed that this was something we should seriously look into.

Next came days and days of reading about different breeds, and using various online dog breed selectors like this one on Animal Planet. Just when we thought we had the right dog picked out for us, we'd find out they were too rare or way too expensive. On to Plan B... check out local shelters. At one pet foster home, Conor and Maddie found a Manchester Terrier/Shetland Sheepdog mix puppy who was a little shy, but sweet and very cute. Maddie and the puppy seemed to get along well, so Conor brought him home (much to my surprise). We named him Scooter (after the Muppet) and for the next two days, our fragile little world went from "finally things are back on track" to "how could we have screwed things up this much?"

(I'm going to preface this next section by saying that I have been reluctant to make this post due to the overwhelmingly negative experience we had with Scooter. I expect there will be those who are critical, but I have made peace with our decision. Having a daughter with autism leads to many unexpected bumps and turns on the road of life, and unfortunately this was one of those times.)

Scooter was a good dog, but by the end of the first day he was temperamental, peeing and pooping all over the house and his crate, and glued to Conor's side. Our first real indication that something was not right was when Maddie was sitting on the floor reading her books and Scooter wouldn't stop growling and barking at her. Not a happy, playful growl/bark either. We were prepared for an adjustment period but the more time he was with us, the more aggressive Scooter became and the less he liked Maddie. Now, Maddie is usually a ball of energy, and her unpredictable nature makes some animals (like my neurotic cat) more on edge than others. But this was a puppy. He was supposed to feed off her energy and want to play and run around. Cover her face with puppy kisses and nibble her toes. Nothing. And Maddie was still recovering from the anemia she developed following her emergency surgery, so she was mild at best. This was no unpredictable kid.

The next day was even worse. Not only would Scooter growl and bark at Maddie for no reason, now he was doing it whenever Maddie tried to go near Conor. Instantly we noticed that Maddie was starting to avoid Conor, even if the dog was not with him. Usually a daddy's girl through and through, Maddie no longer wanted to sit with him, hug or kiss him, even be picked up. She would FREAK OUT. And because she is nonverbal when it comes to her feelings, we had to intuit what all of this could mean. Not an easy task. At school she seemed fine but as soon as she got home you could see the unease and panic on her face. Her home was no longer the safe, comfortable place she relied on it to be.

After a stressful evening of tears and meltdowns, Conor and I sat down together after Maddie went to bed and had a long discussion about what our options were. Do we keep Scooter and hope the situation improves? What happens if he gets too attached and we have to find a new home for him later? Will that be even harder for him? Was getting a dog the biggest mistake we ever made? Would giving him up make us horrible people? My stress level was through the roof as we broke it down and decided that ultimately, Maddie's feelings (though not expressed) would have to be our first priority. She was clearly scared of him, and for some odd reason, Scooter seemed to feel threatened by her as well. This was not a match made in heaven.

We decided to sleep on it and wait to see if there was any improvement in the morning, but to no avail. When Conor went upstairs to wake Maddie up for breakfast, Scooter lost control and nothing I could do would calm him down. With Scooter barking and growling his head off downstairs, Maddie refused to come downstairs at all. I ended up staying home from work that morning just so I could get her ready for school and comfort her upstairs while Conor tried to keep Scooter calm downstairs. This was a mess.

So Scooter was returned to his foster family later that morning, which I know really broke Conor's heart. We felt like we failed him, and maybe we did. But Maddie is our number one priority and we got the dog to benefit her needs first and foremost. If we were serious about getting a dog for her, then we had to go about it in a different way. I suggested we take a few days to let things calm down and then resume our search.

To be clear, Maddie is not generally afraid of dogs. She can be timid when first getting to know them, but has never been outright afraid of them. She spends every other Sunday hanging out with Grandma and Oma's dogs and has a blast. So maybe we needed to focus more on the dog's temperament and find one that fit our needs based on that. A friend recommended the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and we knew that Maddie had experience with this breed since Conor's dad has two of them and she did well with them. But we had initially written it off since they can be rather pricey and we refused to buy from a puppy mill (or the store in the mall that is supplied by them). It looked like getting a dog was going to be put on the back burner.

During another heart-to-heart with my husband, I admitted that dogs make me extremely nervous. I remember being afraid of dogs at a very young age, and vividly remember having to hold my youngest sister and cradle her bleeding head while rushing to the ER after she was attacked by a dog (I was 11, she was 2). Needless to say, dogs and I have some serious trust issues, but I don't want Maddie to ever develop those same issues, so it was important to me that we find a dog that I was also comfortable with so that I could lead by example. I told Conor I wanted to be part of the process of choosing a dog this time, and if I wasn't comfortable with it, then there was a good chance Maddie might pick up on that nervousness and have issues herself. Having felt comfortable with Conor's dad's dogs the last time we visited, we focused on the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel breed and decided to try and find a breeder so that I could at least get familiar with them (especially as puppies) before buying one.

More research. Research, research, research. I swear my husband spends more time doing research than anything else. (Why is he not a librarian?) One internet search turned up a family who bred CKCS in Spartansburg, PA (about an hour south of us in the middle of freaking nowhere). The puppies were a third of the prices we'd seen, but I immediately saw red flags. He also bred several other breeds, and happened to have those puppies available as well. Another quick internet search for his name turned up a small Amish general store located at the same address he'd listed. Our hearts sunk. Know that saying about if it seems too good to be true?

There are numerous Amish and Mennonite communities around the area we live (mostly in Ohio and Pennsylvania), and they have been at the center of debates regarding puppy mills for several years now. The problem with the Amish dog breeders is that they consider their dogs to be another form of livestock. Most of the time the dogs are extremely over bred, bred too young, and kept in deplorable conditions. Breeds of dogs that are prone to certain genetic disorders are more likely to develop said disorders if they have come from a puppy mill, and the dogs can develop a slew of other medical issues as well. Dogs are expensive to begin with; a puppy mill dog, though inexpensive at first, could end up costing more in the long run than paying for a more expensive dog from a reputable breeder. (See The Puppy Mill Project)

On a rare Saturday where Conor and I were both off work, we decided to take a day trip around Erie County to see the fall leaves changing and swing through Spartansburg to see if we got the puppy mill vibe. As we ventured deeper and deeper into the countryside, the endless fields of corn kept bringing up images from Stephen King's Children of the Corn. It didn't help that we kept passing horse-drawn buggies and endless trails of horse poop on the road, with no other cars in sight. GPS took us off the main country road through town onto a teeth-chattering dirt road scarred with wheel tracks. I told Conor if random children started popping up out of the fields at any point in time, he was to turn around immediately and get us back to civilization. But I digress...

We rolled up the gravel drive past the closed general store to find a modest country home and farm. Amish children were playing in front of the house, throwing around what looked like a ball in a sock, as the older family members looked on from rocking chairs on the porch. But when we were led back to the puppy cages, I fought to keep the look of disgust off my face. The puppies, at least 8 different "purebred" breeds that I could see, were penned up outside on concrete slabs, squirming around in their own filth. At one point it seemed as if Maddie, who gags at very strong and unpleasant animal smells, was going to vomit, so I took her away from the puppy pens to walk around the farm. We saw horses, sheep, ducks, even quails and rabbits living together, but not a single dog. Where were all of these "family pets" that they claimed to have? Towards the back of the property I found my answer. Outdoor cages stacked two high and eight wide lining a small shack housed the poor dogs. These weren't family pets, they were livestock just like the other animals. This was not where we would be getting our dog.

I returned to find Conor snuggling a miserable looking CKCS , whispered in his ear that we needed to go, and we thanked the man for his time. On the drive home, feeling dejected, we talked about whether there was any honor in rescuing a puppy from such a horrible place, but decided there was no way we would give them any of our money and support such a "business." Conor thought the man should be reported to the authorities at the very least. As we approached another buggy on the road, he passed them and shouted, "How's that for horse power?!" (Not gonna lie, I smiled a little.) The drive home was somber, and the prospects of finding the right dog for us seemed slim.

What came next? You guessed it... more research. But this time it led to a nice family in Ohio who happened to breed CKCS--they were purebred and registered with the AKC, they just weren't bred from championship lines. (For us, purebred was not as important because of the title, but because of rare heart conditions that can be prevalent in the breed. A healthy CKCS is one that is bred properly based on strict guidelines.) But we weren't looking for a future show dog, we were looking for a new addition to our family, one that was right for all of us (including the neurotic cat). Best of all, it wasn't going to break the bank to purchase one. And that is how we came to find our new dog Toby (named after the dog used by Sherlock Holmes).


Toby is a good-natured, gentle dog who loves to snuggle with all of us (including the neurotic cat), give kisses, and play fetch. You can't help but fall in love with him when he looks at you with those soulful brown eyes, and laugh when he gallops through the room with a goofy smile on his face and his big ears flopping around. He loves to chase the cat, and the cat is surprisingly okay with him. But most importantly, he loves Maddie and Maddie loves him. And that makes this roller coaster of a ride worth it every step of the way.

No matter how much research you do and no matter how much you think you know, every dog is different just like every autistic child is unique. Looking back, there was a good chance Maddie would not have done well with any dog living in our home. As autistic parents, we constantly advocate that if you've met one autistic child, you've met one autistic child. Autism manifests itself differently in each child, and while a dog might have been the saving grace for one, it may not for another. As Maddie's parent, I should have realized this but it is an easy thing to forget in our day-to-day lives. Luckily for us, perseverance paid off and we found the right one.

So now we have a puppy, and though my days are filled with potty training and saving rogue shoes, I'm proud to say that Toby is slowly making me a "cat & dog" person. For the first time in my life, I've let a dog lick my face and sleep in my bed. On purpose folks. He's a great addition to our little family and I'm so glad we found him. And honestly, how could you not love this face?!



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