It's More Than Just A Bubble Bath

"In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion." - Albert Camus

Earlier this month I went on my very first overnight business trip. Once the novelty of the idea wore off, I realized that I would be spending two days and one whole night away from my little family (something I have never done...as long as you don't count the night I spent in the hospital following gallbladder surgery). The sadness of missing them should have been on the forefront of my mind, but instead I was thinking about a quiet evening to myself. Reading without distractions. A luxurious bubble bath completely uninterrupted. Burning candles without worrying that my child or animals will set fire to the house. Stretching out in a bed I didn't have to share with my husband + cat + dog. What was wrong with me? Absolutely nothing.

I love my family and spend almost every waking moment devoted to their needs. When I am not at work, I am a full-time mommy to a beautiful autistic child. I leave for work before Conor and Maddie are even awake. I pick up Maddie from school after work and head home for behavioral therapy sessions two days a week and spend the other evenings making sure I keep her out of trouble. As parents of an autistic child, we spend most of our time with Maddie being constantly vigilant and prepared for every worst-case scenario that we can imagine. There is no down time. No rest. No taking our eyes off of her for more than a few seconds. Maddie is curious and fearless, a combination that can be a parent's worst nightmare. Couple that with a high pain tolerance means any lack of vigilance can lead to very scary, very dangerous situations.

We are very lucky to have built a support system over the years that helps us cope with the demands that Maddie's autism has put on us. Regular speech and behavioral therapy have slowly begun to increase Maddie's ability to communicate with us. Maddie's grandma and aunt take her for the day about twice a month to give us a break. But the most amazing support comes from Maddie's teacher, Ms. Kelly, who not only gives Maddie the tools she needs to make it in today's world, but the love and support to be the best little "superhuman" she can be. Because of Ms. Kelly, Maddie will enter this world proud of who she is and armed with the knowledge that there are those out there who will accept and love her for who she is--no matter what. She goes above and beyond anything we ever expected, and if there is one person we couldn't do all of this without, it is definitely her. (Ms. Kelly, if you are reading this--you are OUR superhuman!)

Speaking of amazing teachers, I will never forget what my Advocacy/English teacher, Ms. Moore, told me when I was a senior in high school. At the time I was overwhelmed with school, my dad had cancer, I was working part-time, and deciding whether I should go away to college or stay close to home. She said, "Elisa, you can't do it all. Sometimes you need to let some things go. Not everything is so important. Figure out what you can give up, and then spend some time taking a bubble bath. Take the time to do something just for you." At the time I couldn't imagine what I could possibly give up--everything is important when you are a teenager. But those words of advice have lived with me for over 15 years because they hold a ring of truth to them. They are a constant reminder to me that the only way I will be able to face each exhausting and demanding day is if I find a way to take time out for myself.

The trip to Millersville University in Lancaster, PA was great. I got to learn a lot about something I love (cataloging), and had good company while doing so. Armed with two beers during dinner, I headed back to my hotel room to do what I had planned all along...take a glorious bubble bath. I had packed candles, epsom salt and bath bubbles, along with the current book I was reading. Zero responsibilities. Peace and quiet. A mother's dream.

I sat in that tub for over a half hour but could barely read a single page. In all that quiet, my mind was racing. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't bogged down with my day-to-day worries and anxieties. Instead, I was able to view my little world almost completely outside of myself. (And no, no mind-altering drugs were consumed.) And all I could think about was how my whole life had led up to this one moment. That one bubble bath was more than just a bubble bath, it was a decision to take care of myself. It was a conscious effort to take advantage of what precious little time I am given to let everything else slip away and just BE in that moment. Once I had done that, the bubble bath itself was no longer important.

Curled up on "my side" of the room's king-size bed with my unread book, I don't even remember falling asleep that night, and the next thing I knew my alarm was going off. At first I kicked myself for not taking advantage of more "me" time, but really, that whole trip was "me" time. And after a grueling 9-hour trip home and hours of stop and go traffic, I finally came home to my little family. Maddie was already asleep, but Conor greeted me when I got inside. "There's a plate of leftovers in the oven if you're hungry. And I got you a Blizzard from Dairy Queen--it's in the freezer. I figured you might need it," he said. I may have had a hard time prioritizing my life when I was in high school, but as an adult it has gotten a lot easier. My little family fills my heart and gives me joy--they are my priority. Everything else just falls in line. And even when it seems as though there is no time for "me," I have a husband who knows my needs before I do and is someone I can trust to hold things together when I need to let go. That partnership is what I'm truly thankful for...especially when it comes in the form of ice cream.